better than you.

Well, that was stupid. Whatever-fuck that noise. I'm off to drink beers.

RIP

A year ago today my Uncle Bob died. It feels like it happened this morning.
This picture is from New Year's Eve 93/94. I was 12-I'm actually drinking some kind of pink champagne/cranberry juice mixture. My mom let all us kids drink that year & I remember getting kinda tipsy. I remember that nite being fun because everyone slept over at my house & breakfast the next morning was a big raucous loud party of yelling & teasing & adult hangovers & we were eating pickles for some reason.
I miss my Uncle Bob.
I watched The Devil & Daniel Johnston tonite & when I got home from work listened to a little Kimya dawson & cried for a few minutes.......apparently I'm 13.
But,whatever, life is short & you lose people you love so be nice to everyone who you have right now.
Never take shit for granted & never treat people as less than thier worth. Don't wait until some big emotional build-up happens or yr drunk & high to say I love you.
Things aren't as complicated or so huge as people make them out to be. Life & love & happiness are simple.
For me, at least.
The people who are closest to me who I love SO much & admire & respect SO much who can't see how simple it is make my heart ache & I want to cry all over again.
Just be good to each other & love each other. THEN let's all get drunk & have a dance party in the living room in our underwear!

And just so I'm not being a totally emotional ovary satchel tonite: the cat peed in my clean laundry & I taught the Korean lady at the convenience store how to make a gin & tonic with lots of lime.
SB & I were hung as hell yesterday & lied around watching shitty TV in states of semi-consciousness for about 11 hours yesterday. And it was awesome.
good nite.

fuck off with the bad weather already...

I guess I'm in a pretty bad mood. I tried wearing my leopard print rain boots to feel better but so far:no dice. It's OK-only 2 more hours to go before I'm done work & now I get to see Scott every day that I work so that is a good/bad thing.

I did not go to sleep until like, 8am today because I am dealing with the dumbest bout of insomnia known to man-like, I go into my bed but then I get so hot & uncomfortable & whatever-this is SO BORING I don't even care anymore.
All I want is for the summertime to start happening so I can go on patios & not wear a coat & drink during the day because that is when I am at my best.

We are moving around the corner probably or I'm going to homeless-we will see. Updates to come on that.
Annoyance of the day: Every time I go to use the bathroom (& I don't shut the door because no one else in my room with me) the cat uses the litter box right across from where I'm sitting down to do my biz. It's so awkward, it's like she waits for when I have to pee and then is all "me too!" Ugh, usually I play Tetris on the toilet anyway regardless of what number it is-ALSO- I only wanna play Tetris & listen to '80s hair bands on my Ipod on the subway so if you are a total wierdo potentially homeless probably drunk crazy person-just don't even try to talk to me or ask me "am i in toronto?" or offer me juice from a juice box. I'm not down.
thanks!

pretend narcissism-try it!

Clearly-I am a mega babe. As evidenced by the following photographs. Shit, maybe I need another intervention-a get the hell over yerself intervention. but not really.

Today I forgot that Winterlicious was extended but then I remembered & told Scott & we were SO happy! I kno-fascinating,right?

Also, a lot of funny & wierd stuff happened but I'm pretty boring to write something interesting right now-basically I barfed EVERYWHERE you can think of & it was like "geez,lady-get off the sauce for a minute & stop sleeping until 4pm every wknd day,please?!!"

I kinda did a mini-intervention on myself & now everythinng is cooler.

90210 is back to when Brenda is on & she goes to Paris so that DYlan can cheat on her with Kelly so that makes me happy-except for I stay up til 4am to watch up-nerdsville,for sure.

OH YEAH! And the cat scratched the hell outta my thigh cuz she is the neediest fucken animal in all the land so now we are fighting. And I left a note saying I would do the dishes but instead I didn't do the dishes or put on deodarant all day, either.

In case you were wondering-don't worry-I am super hot & attractive so all that stuff about BO & vomit & cat scratches doesn't really matter,ok?

good bye!

kickin' & a'gougin in the mud & the blood & the beer...

Oh my goodness, you ever have those nites when you get home & the cat is all meowing to shit because she wants food & yr all drunk & can' t open the cat food bag & all you wanna do is listen to Johnny Cash & smoke cigarettes....ugh....
ANYWAY-so when I was 16 I fell totally in love hard with this gorgeous boy except he turned into a crazy alcoholic & drug addict & we dated for 7 years & lived together for almost 4. So, I went for beers with him tonite & it is a crazy ridiculous thing when you are hanging out with someone you love but also someone you would've died for previously who you just KNOW is gonna die while you are still young. Awful.
He was all having weird convulsive fits & the Steve showed up & he just bolted all banshee-like,
ANYWAY-Steve & I had ourselves a nice Valentine's date of drinking beer & talking about beers and Steve dealing with me singing Bon Jovi & Journey too loud. Also, this really drunk man thought I gave him the finger but was wrong because a-Im such a pussy to give someone the finger & b-I have a tattoo on my fuckyou finger so you would totally know if it was me.
AND-this homeless couple asked me for money but I wasn't wearing my coat so I had none but then the lady was like "happy valentines day" & then my heart exploded & I cried all over the friggen place because they are old & should be celebrating V-Day all romanticlike not asking my busted ass for change...ugh, this world is sad.

an example of me being the best of all time.

I went to Samoa then I wrote this email-now I'm posting it here cuz I think I am very funny. You should, too.

OK-so there are many wonderful things here that I’ll miss and never forget

(such as incredible beaches and delicious food) but sitting in this fucking

office doing NOTHING for 2wks has turned me into a negative bitch and who

doesn’t love bitching more than my wonderful friends? So I have compiled

for yr reading pleasure a list of things I miss from home and a list of

things I won’t ever miss about Samoa-haha! (whether you care or not!)

What I won’t miss-bed bugs-that’s right, folks, the girl whose biggest fear is bugs at night when she’s sleeping has had nightly visitors of some sort since staying at Eka’s. maybe it’s bed bugs, maybe it’s ants….possibly mosquitoes but in any case my belly looks like I have chicken pox and I am the itchiest motherfucker in Samoa right now. It’s probably these little ants that crawl everywhere but it’s pretty nasty. cold showers-no one has hot water here cuz it’s too expensive and it’s hot during the day anyway but I just can’t clean myself under the freeze. I hop in and get wet, hop out, lather up my hair, bend over to rinse it out, and that’s about it……..i try to clean my feet but it’s a futile effort……………

the smell-no matter what you do laundry-wise everything smells wet and musty, swimming in salt water make yr hair nasty and crusty, there’s dirt everywhere and the cold showers just don’t cut it. im nasty business. I smell like a drying old man.

intrusive caring-no matter where I go, on the bus…down the hall at

work…..thru the market..at home, people-random strangers stop me and ask me where im going. they ask what im doing tomorrow……..how long ive been here, where im staying……..everyone does it to everyone-according to the Peace Corps I should feel honoured because it means they recognize me and im becoming a local.

the angriest dogs in the world-I thought I loved dogs before I got here. I hate them. im sorry if they are mistreated and abused and fucking feral but these dogs make my life miserable. everywhere I go dogs are trying to bite me, begging me for food, terrifying me because they run in front of cars-they’re nuts! oh speaking of which, dog’s balls here are the CRAZIEST things…they’re HUGE and they’re unfixed so they run around and attack anything that moves because they are so horny and crazy.

The lady dog’s have the biggest grossest hanging nipples and bellies and other parts from constantly giving birth and nursing-its sick but also kinda sad. ill stop talking about that.

What I already miss from home-(aside from friends and family and pets and people who have some inkling of a work ethic)

pockets-women can’t wear pants or shorts anywhere that I go so im skirts, lavalavas (sarongs) and pulatasis (ill explain when I get back-some ladies have sewn me a few of these REAL numbers-similar to a sari AND a muumuu). none of these things have pockets-I don’t know what to do with my hands ever.

cheese-aside from McDonald’s, which isn’t really cheese these people don’t have cheese. If you get a fish burger with “cheese” it’s a weird slice of something processed and white that tastes like ashes when eaten alone.

vegetables- now we all kno im probably getting scurvy from my Doritos & Coke steady diet but I’d kill for some broccoli right now……maybe a carrot? which leads me to the next thing…………..

DORITOS!- I can’t bring myself to pay 17$ Samoan for a bag of Doritos. That’s like 9$ Canadian just for a snack. A McDonald’s meal is like 14.50$ (YES-I ate McDonald’s yesterday-sue me!)

lighters-its all matches, all the time here and it’s also always windy cuz it’s an island….much fun for the Samoans to watch, not so much for the palangi who just wants a goddamn cigarette!screwtop bottles-another fun Samoan game is selling a palangi a bottle of Coke or Vailima beer and not offering to open it. Now, Samoans (as im sure is true of most Northern Ontarian folk!) can open a bottle with ANYTHING (their teeth, a spoon, a lighter, their fingers……you name, they got it covered) not me. I have cut my fingers trying to pry drinks open with my >ighter and I have one friend in my office, Alan, who always opens my bottles for me! (although apparently he is 28 and still looking for a wife and everyone calls him Casanova…………………..)

anonymity-like everyone asking me where I am going, people used to yell “American” when I walked by, now news has traveled so it’s “Canada” (never Canadian….) or the old faithful “Malo, Palangi!” (hello, whitey!) I’ve taken to saying “Malo, Samoan” to the delight of many of the young men here……….people also talk to me when im walking thru the market or sitting at the shop that Eka’s family owns and say “how long are you here from Canada for?” or “I saw you last night out dancing-did you have fun?” or

EVEN “did that lavalava you bought from the market last week fit you? how much did you pay for it?”

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? and why do they kno what imup to all the time? I can’t wait to get on the subway and just ride in peace without people staring at me or asking me questions…..for the most part

traffic rules-pretty much, anything goes here. wanna ride 38 people in the back of yr pick-up? SURE-go right ahead………..wanna stop the bus in the middle of the street to grab an ice cream-why not, no one has anywhere to go today!..............

does ANYONE in this country actually HAVE a drivers license? not that I can see……………………..traffic lights, walk signals-you know what-if you walk out into the road the cars will probably stop…and if they don’t well-screw you because…………………………………..

AMBULANCE DRIVERS DON’T KNOW MEDICAL PROCEDURES-that’s right. they can put you in the ambulance and they make their way thru traffic (no sirens!) to the hospital but they don’t know First Aid, CPR, there are no medical instruments in the trucks (some of them are pickup trucks)………it’s really just a free mode of transport to get you to the hospital where there may or may not be a doctor waiting for you and who may or may not just send you to the village where they will do some sort of “traditional healing” requiring the rubbing of leaves over affected areas or the drinking of concoctions ( often coconut oil & pigs blood-im NOT shitting you!)

hahaha im having a blast and this place is a riot. my supervisor here added me to his MySpace. im getting cancer quicker cuz the cigarettes here are so >strong and like 3$ Canadian a pack. I may never come home and just stay here and have island babies and smell bad and itch constantly and try to change the country or maybe ill come home and get drunk with my friends and stay blissful in my ignorance.-July 2006

Also, this:

I saw an old lady trying to get to the streetcar but the light was red and he didn't wait for her today. As we were pulling away she threw her fist up in the air and started shaking it,like in a cartoon when someone is mad. It kinda made me laugh a little bit but then I thought maybe she was rocking out to some rad tunes I didn't know about (like Def Leppard "Hysteria") or something and not actually mad about the streetcar and that made me laugh even more. I think I might be borderline nuts. That is a picture of my mom dressed like a French maid, by the way.

Sooooo, we went to get chicken sandwiches from San Francesco's but Kim & Bob got into a huge fight and I was trapped in the van with them. I always play mediator cuz I feel bad for Bob but then Kim gets mad at me. Basically, I went to the liquor store and drank 4 beers in the parking lot of the LCBO in the back of Bob's van cuz I was bored (why am i always so bored?) and wanted a friggen chicken sandwich. FINALLY, we got to thier place and they smoked a joint. Except, so did I and I always seem to get SO stoned with them-like with fast heartbeats & staring at stuff in the bathroom for a long time and then thinking "hey-have i been in the bathroom an unreasonably long amount of time? are they wondering what im doing? oh god, what if they think im shitting? wait, did i even pee yet?" and so on and so on.

But then, I met up with Nick & Kris and some friends and went bowling at this wicked little underground bowling alley at Coxwell & Danforth.I swear, this place hasn't been touched since 1973. They advertise "disco bowling parties"! It was great. I am undeniably a terrible bowler. I think I lost. Im not sure cuz I was pretty drunk and the bowling alley lady asked me (while she was putting out bowls of PARTY MIX for us to munch on) if I was on drugs......I randomly told her I was a size 9 bowling shoe when I'm maybe an 8 at best. I kinda panicked when she asked me & for some reason I was scared to change it after the fact. I mostly went out for smokes with Steve with no shoes on and then we had a boxing/wrestling party on the Danforth . I came home around 1am cuz I was dead tired from all the partying/horsing around/being wierd enough for a 60yr old lady who runs a bowling alley to think I was messed and crashed on the couch. Then today I went for dinner with Heather & her mom bought me a chicken burger (I eat alot of chicken,Im ok with it) and then I just watched Season 6 of Full House on DVD. I was pretty lazy and boring today, except for when I played my guitar for like,2 hours.

Welcome to my blog.

ok, hi.
Do you ever stand in front of the mirror & act out tons of emotions? Like, I always kinda wish something really horrific would happen to me-like my boyfriend would cheat on me or someone would be in this horrific accident & Thank God I practiced my perfect reaction to shit. Except nothing like that even happens. Or, if it does, like when my Uncle Bob died-which was the worst day of all time-but also the absolute perfect time to use a great super distraught look or whatever I'm always just like "Uhhhhh, no I'm OK-how are you?" cuz I get super nervous if all this attention is paid to me but secretly I want it.
I wanted to have a blog for a really long time because I'm so hilarious & awesome & even Scott was like "do it! it would awesome" and he's the funniest person I kno but now I'm making it I kinda feel wierd.
Like a new haircut.
Grow on me, blog! I am yr new owner!