I went to Samoa then I wrote this email-now I'm posting it here cuz I think I am very funny. You should, too.
OK-so there are many wonderful things here that I’ll miss and never forget
(such as incredible beaches and delicious food) but sitting in this fucking
office doing NOTHING for 2wks has turned me into a negative bitch and who
doesn’t love bitching more than my wonderful friends? So I have compiled
for yr reading pleasure a list of things I miss from home and a list of
things I won’t ever miss about Samoa-haha! (whether you care or not!)
What I won’t miss-bed bugs-that’s right, folks, the girl whose biggest fear is bugs at night when she’s sleeping has had nightly visitors of some sort since staying at Eka’s. maybe it’s bed bugs, maybe it’s ants….possibly mosquitoes but in any case my belly looks like I have chicken pox and I am the itchiest motherfucker in Samoa right now. It’s probably these little ants that crawl everywhere but it’s pretty nasty. cold showers-no one has hot water here cuz it’s too expensive and it’s hot during the day anyway but I just can’t clean myself under the freeze. I hop in and get wet, hop out, lather up my hair, bend over to rinse it out, and that’s about it……..i try to clean my feet but it’s a futile effort……………
the smell-no matter what you do laundry-wise everything smells wet and musty, swimming in salt water make yr hair nasty and crusty, there’s dirt everywhere and the cold showers just don’t cut it. im nasty business. I smell like a drying old man.
intrusive caring-no matter where I go, on the bus…down the hall at
work…..thru the market..at home, people-random strangers stop me and ask me where im going. they ask what im doing tomorrow……..how long ive been here, where im staying……..everyone does it to everyone-according to the Peace Corps I should feel honoured because it means they recognize me and im becoming a local.
the angriest dogs in the world-I thought I loved dogs before I got here. I hate them. im sorry if they are mistreated and abused and fucking feral but these dogs make my life miserable. everywhere I go dogs are trying to bite me, begging me for food, terrifying me because they run in front of cars-they’re nuts! oh speaking of which, dog’s balls here are the CRAZIEST things…they’re HUGE and they’re unfixed so they run around and attack anything that moves because they are so horny and crazy.
The lady dog’s have the biggest grossest hanging nipples and bellies and other parts from constantly giving birth and nursing-its sick but also kinda sad. ill stop talking about that.
What I already miss from home-(aside from friends and family and pets and people who have some inkling of a work ethic)
pockets-women can’t wear pants or shorts anywhere that I go so im skirts, lavalavas (sarongs) and pulatasis (ill explain when I get back-some ladies have sewn me a few of these REAL numbers-similar to a sari AND a muumuu). none of these things have pockets-I don’t know what to do with my hands ever.
cheese-aside from McDonald’s, which isn’t really cheese these people don’t have cheese. If you get a fish burger with “cheese” it’s a weird slice of something processed and white that tastes like ashes when eaten alone.
vegetables- now we all kno im probably getting scurvy from my Doritos & Coke steady diet but I’d kill for some broccoli right now……maybe a carrot? which leads me to the next thing…………..
DORITOS!- I can’t bring myself to pay 17$ Samoan for a bag of Doritos. That’s like 9$ Canadian just for a snack. A McDonald’s meal is like 14.50$ (YES-I ate McDonald’s yesterday-sue me!)
lighters-its all matches, all the time here and it’s also always windy cuz it’s an island….much fun for the Samoans to watch, not so much for the palangi who just wants a goddamn cigarette!screwtop bottles-another fun Samoan game is selling a palangi a bottle of Coke or Vailima beer and not offering to open it. Now, Samoans (as im sure is true of most Northern Ontarian folk!) can open a bottle with ANYTHING (their teeth, a spoon, a lighter, their fingers……you name, they got it covered) not me. I have cut my fingers trying to pry drinks open with my >ighter and I have one friend in my office, Alan, who always opens my bottles for me! (although apparently he is 28 and still looking for a wife and everyone calls him Casanova…………………..)
anonymity-like everyone asking me where I am going, people used to yell “American” when I walked by, now news has traveled so it’s “Canada” (never Canadian….) or the old faithful “Malo, Palangi!” (hello, whitey!) I’ve taken to saying “Malo, Samoan” to the delight of many of the young men here……….people also talk to me when im walking thru the market or sitting at the shop that Eka’s family owns and say “how long are you here from Canada for?” or “I saw you last night out dancing-did you have fun?” or
EVEN “did that lavalava you bought from the market last week fit you? how much did you pay for it?”
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? and why do they kno what imup to all the time? I can’t wait to get on the subway and just ride in peace without people staring at me or asking me questions…..for the most part
traffic rules-pretty much, anything goes here. wanna ride 38 people in the back of yr pick-up? SURE-go right ahead………..wanna stop the bus in the middle of the street to grab an ice cream-why not, no one has anywhere to go today!..............
does ANYONE in this country actually HAVE a drivers license? not that I can see……………………..traffic lights, walk signals-you know what-if you walk out into the road the cars will probably stop…and if they don’t well-screw you because…………………………………..
AMBULANCE DRIVERS DON’T KNOW MEDICAL PROCEDURES-that’s right. they can put you in the ambulance and they make their way thru traffic (no sirens!) to the hospital but they don’t know First Aid, CPR, there are no medical instruments in the trucks (some of them are pickup trucks)………it’s really just a free mode of transport to get you to the hospital where there may or may not be a doctor waiting for you and who may or may not just send you to the village where they will do some sort of “traditional healing” requiring the rubbing of leaves over affected areas or the drinking of concoctions ( often coconut oil & pigs blood-im NOT shitting you!)
hahaha im having a blast and this place is a riot. my supervisor here added me to his MySpace. im getting cancer quicker cuz the cigarettes here are so >strong and like 3$ Canadian a pack. I may never come home and just stay here and have island babies and smell bad and itch constantly and try to change the country or maybe ill come home and get drunk with my friends and stay blissful in my ignorance.-July 2006
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